April 13, 2007

Who Am I?

I got my first comment! So, Kali asked where I am. For a long time, I lived in Houston. I just recently moved to a small town within New Mexico, but is just minutes from the border of Texas. So, couldn't I have said "I am from New Mexico"? See, this is a problem for me, funny enough. I have identified myself as one thing for so long and now I have to change that line of thinking.

Perhaps, this was ultra difficult for me due to all the changes that this move here created in my life. I could no longer identify myself as a professional hard working woman. (By choice btw!) I was a housewife.

A change in identity is quite shocking when you have so much invested in that identity. Until I gave up the career path at Big Law Firm, I had no idea how much of my worth was invested in that job.

And truly, I feel that shock is part of the reason I am home now. I was disappointed in myself that I had become such a slave to that lifestyle and woke up in a sweat scared of what to do next.

I have been a stay at home mom to the cats and Ebay seller for 4 months now. I am getting a bit bored with it and as I mentioned, the uncertain income scares me. I am quite independent and don't like asking for money. We haven't combined our finances yet out of laziness and hatred for the problems that come. (autodebits, oy). My car needs a bit of work, and while I would have the money in a second if I just asked, I am hesitant to do so.

Then, why not just get a job and stop bellyaching? The love's job has a crazy schedule to it. He will leave really crazy early and come home sometime between noon-3 PM. And we have a great afternoon. If I was working, it would, in all likelihood, be an office job. 8-5, or one that I am aware of is, 9-6. This would hamper our crazy carefree lifestyle. Ha.

He is supportive of whatever I choose, and was a bit surprised when I mentioned that I was working on the resume, as I didn't keep him informed of where my mind was, as it was crunching all these thoughts. He just wants me to be happy and is wary of my complaining on the Ebay track.

Before I moved here, I was gung-ho on the financial fitness marathon. I started blog reading via
PF Blogs, a compilation of all personal finance blogs. I was busy paying all my debt off and then started saving like a mad woman. But here comes a 180 when I moved here.

I am still working on this new identity process. I struggle less with it now than I did initially, but the battle is not over.

At this time, I would like a good balance between work and home. I am concerned with my all or nothing attitude that I have, as I will dive so deep into a new project without concern for anything else around me. And this is where I think I lost my own identity a bit with my last high-demand job.

So, whoever said you don't really know yourself until you are 30, lied. I am still learning, alot. This move pushed the learning curve pretty far and I am lucky for all I have learned. And I will be learning something more soon. As soon as that resume gets completed. Oy.

Oh, and Kali, a small town in New Mexico.


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