March 29, 2011

Working It Out

Having a kid changes everything. I heard it over and over before I was pregnant. I knew it from watching my sister have 3 kids before me. Yet, nothing will prepare you for parenthood. Nothing can.

At times, I wonder if I have some postpartum depression going on. And then I dismiss it with that I am simply tired from the failure of my now 8 month old child to sleep for more than 3 hours straight. I chalk it up to the vast changes that we have gone through of moving to a new state, leaving our beloved friends/family/city/house for something neither of us really wanted but knew/prayed was best. I went from a high-strung career driven fool to a stay at home mom. He went from an easy job to a demanding job with super stress levels.

Some days – are great. I have a great time, I have it all balanced out. It all seems to work well. I am meeting people in the various groups I have joined, I am cooking and cleaning and loving my girl. I feel that I have it together, that I am enjoying this little life we have created. And other days – not so much. I am angry and spiteful and downright cruel to my husband and short-tempered with my girl. I am stressed and overwhelmed and angry. For no obvious reason.

Working isn't an option for me for some time. As long as we can afford for me to stay home, I cannot in good conscience place my child in daycare. My poor heart couldn't handle that after the PICU stay when she was 4 months old. Yet some days, I think I really need to go to work. For my sanity, for my child and for my husband.

I take it day by day. Hoping that it will be a good day. That I won't get angry and strike out at my husband. That I won't feel like crying when the baby cries. And many days work out. I feel good and accomplished at the end of the day. And others, not so much. And where I used to be able to shake it off and know that tomorrow will be better, now... I just worry that I won't be able to keep it together the next day either.

January 20, 2011

Can We Ever Be Happy?

Warning: This post has negativity towards both SAHM and WOHM. I dog staying at home and I dog daycare. I am trying to find my way, not critiquing what anyone else does or has to do.

I have been here before. It was when I first started this little internet space. I was 4 years younger and for several months enjoyed not working for the man. I tried my hand at Ebay and being a good housewife, cleaning and cooking, and caring for my hard working man. He looks back on that time period as the best in our relationship. I look back and see that I was unhappy and failed at it.

Now, it is different, yet much the same.

He got a new job in a far off land and I have decided to stay home. Again. But this time, we have a baby. A baby who had an ER scare such a short time ago. A baby who I cry about when I consider dropping her off at a daycare facility. Even dropping her in the care facility at the gym while I get my sweat on, I freak out the entire hour.

I can't fail this time. I have to like being at home with her. I have to make this work. Because the alternative will break my heart. While I may be relieved to get back into the workforce and meet people and do something besides babble baby talk and clean my stove, I would be leaving my precious child in the hands of a germy daycare. And after watching her with a tube down her throat, sedated and riding in an ambulance, the thought gives me chills.

The last few weeks in Houston, I knew this was coming. This fear. When people asked me what I would be doing in our new town, I said I wasn't sure. I was sure. I knew I would not go back to work leaving my girl to the wolves. Yet, I am terrified that I will be unhappy, that in a few short months, once the boxes are unpacked and our lives are as organized as they can be, that I will be lonely, sick of cleaning and caring for her and want to get back to a paying job with people that don't shit their pants.

How do I do it? How do I become happy with my new station in life? I thought after 2 kids, I would stay home with them. With the educational system as it is, I have seriously considered homeschooling in the future. Yet, early in to this new role, I have doubts. Will I be able to keep it together? Can I do this happily? Can my obsessive brain handle slowing down and doing what I believe is the right thing.

I don't know how to reconcile these matters. I know what I must do for my family. I have the support of my husband. My baby girl doesn't like being with strangers, as she proved at the gym one night.

This is what is best for my family. Now I have to make it best for me. I am going to get involved with mommy groups. Go to story time at the library. I am going to the gym both for a release and to loose this stubborn baby weight.

I will make this work. But I am scared shitless for the journey.

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