August 19, 2007

My Lie

Here it is, Fun Monday so soon again. But as my last few posts have shown, I am not in a fun mood recently. I have been down in the dumps for a couple days now. I wrote this post and well, it isn't happy, it isn't fun, but it is oh so true.

So it stands.

But I will try to get cheery over the next couple of days. I promise. Or I will just start drinking before I blog. Hmmm...maybe this post can wait until I get a Shiner...brb....please entertain yourself while I take a drinking break...

mmmm....better already....

My lie is told by many, many women. I know I inherited the gene from my mother, who inherited it from her mother and so it goes back to Sweden where maybe this genetic defect originated. Damn Swedes.


So here we go:


I repeatedly tell a lie. The same lie over and over. I catch myself in the middle of it, yet am unable to hold back, take it back or admit the truth.

I say, I can do it. I can take care of it. I can handle everything. I can handle each and every task that is asked of me, along with my eleventy billion things already on my list and keep the house spotless and have a 7 course meal on the table promptly at 6:00.

I liken myself to Superwoman. I can do it all. In heels, with a smile. You need me to iron this shirt for you? Go buy a box of Twinkies? Complete all these TPS reports by 8:00 A.M. tomorrow? Sure, just as soon as I pick the house up off this poor little old woman and detail the car.

I know this is my problem. I know that all it would take is a single, one syllable word. No. But who do I need to say that simple word to? Them or myself?

I know that half of the problem is my neuroses. The world needs to be perfect, complete and well-dusted.

I know that I should ease up on myself. I know that if I did, if I could, I could be a lot happier, a lot more in the moment.

And I do. I ease up. I let the laundry basket get full, I let the trash overflow. I let dishes sit in the sink. I am proud of my ability to be (for me) slothful.

And then…. I am asked to stop at the store and pick up a 12 pack of Cokes. My boss asks me to redo the 17th revision of a Motion. And I am exhausted and overwhelmed. And I probably get tears. And then I start the vicious cycle again. My home is made spotless through the tears, my surroundings become organized while inside I crumble.

Yet I continue to do it. Because I am a liar. I can do it all. But I really can’t do it all. And I know that all I have done is lie. To you, to him, to her, to the cats. But most of all, to myself.

15 comments:

Kaytabug said...

Awww...sweetie!! That is kinda sad. I wish I could pull you out of this rut you are in! This is a lie I bet LOADS of us are guilty of. I know I am. Knowing is half the battle! I love you! xoxoxoxo

Emma in Canada said...

Oh, thank God for your post! I think as women we quite often feel like that. It sucks and yes, we definitely need to learn to say no.

Beccy said...

When I moved to Ireland I said yes to everything as I was desperate to fit in and make friends. Eventually I made myself ill and had to slow down. I still say yes a lot but have learnt to say no (usually followed by appologies and explanations). Also by saying let me think about it makes it easier to compose a nice no.

theotherbear said...

I can really relate to your post. I say yes all the time. Sometimes it's not even saying yes, it's just taking things on and letting people think you can cope... Chin up, sweetie. There's lots of us can at least understand how you feel - that won't make it better, it might however make you feel understood.

Hootin'Anni said...

Oooooooo, kinda like a "Stepford Wife"....I learned a long time ago to say "NO" to a lot. And ya know something? Life still goes on, and the world did NOT come to a screeching halt because of that little two lettered word...no.

This is truly a very deep post on white lies, and an eye-opener. A great Fun Monday entry, tho true, again --it'll open some eyes for those 'wives' like in the movie.

Tiggerlane said...

I can SO relate to this. I do it all the time, and then I hate myself for doing it. Learning to say "no" is tough - admitting that I am NOT Superwoman.

mjd said...

Your post is so profound. The most important part is the very last statement. If we stop lying to ourselves, the world or at least our own world would be a better place. I proclaim this Fianna Day, and you should rest and enjoy your Monday and Tuesday and so on.

Joy T. said...

I started saying 'no' and found the earth didn't tilt and come crashing down. It was the best thing for my health and for my family but it sure isn't easy. I think women have a 'guilt' gene built right into them and it's a tough little sucker to deal with sometimes. Big hugs to you, it's not easy.

ChrisB said...

Don't be hard on yourself. It's not a question of lying exactly because I think we often realise we are doing it. We are made to feel we have to be super women but how many men do you know who can multi task half as well as a woman- I know there's not one in this house!!

Amy W said...

Wow, I just don't know what to say, other than I am totally there some days.

nikki said...

Wow, a great Fun Monday post. I think too many of us are guilty of think we can do it all. It can only pile up so much for me before I break down in tears and ask for help, yet I always feel guilty after I ask.

Karmyn R said...

I think we all feel like this sometimes - and the worst of it is - when my laundry basket does get too full and the kitchen is a complete mess, I feel guilty - like I'm not doing my "job" -

So, I am a liar - to myself daily. (crap)

Sauntering Soul said...

I've learned to say no every once in a blue moon but can't seem to do so as often as I wish. Why do we do this?

I hope you feel better and less down in the dumps soon. Hugs to you!

bohemiangirl said...

The 'no' word... why is it so damn hard to say? I can totally relate. For me, I can't say no because I care too much what other people think and I also try to control everything. So, I'm learning to surrender to life a little more, to let go and to be true to myself. It takes practice I guess. But it feels so good to know that we're not alone in the superwoman boat ;)

lisa's chaos said...

Yep, been there and told that lie, I no longer do though. I tell myself, "Self, you know you can't get it all done so what can you do?" Then a set a smaller goal and am extremely happy with myself if I go above that goal. Otherwise it's too depressing.

 
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