June 4, 2008

Does Anyone Have Any Estrogen Lying Around?

There are many awesome things about being a chick. Being able to pee sitting down. Using hormones as an excuse for biting someone’s head off. Bath and Body Works. Thongs. Fruity Drinks drank without worry as to the “gayness”. Not having to kill spiders. Being able to feel boobs anytime, anywhere, and for any reason.

There is one thing though that makes all the above-listed items shrink away. Something that makes me wish I was a man. Something that if I can’t become a man, really requires me to work super hard in order to find that hidden reserve of estrogen somewhere deep in my soul.

Showers. What a horrible, horrible torture that only women are forced to endure. A horrible torture employed by women, upon other women.

The idiotic games, the shrieks of laughter from 20 chicks at the display of a chip and dip set/onesie/lamp/diaper rash cream/other stupid gift. The forced sitting with people you either don’t know or hoped not to have to see again. I hate the whole process. Especially baby showers where alcohol isn’t even available.

I have attended many showers, wedding and as the wedded started spawning, baby showers. Out of all the showers though, I have never had something seem so contrived as what I will endure tomorrow.

A Grandmother Shower.

I called a reliable source who confirmed this is out of the norm. My mother, a grandmother herself, called it “ridiculous” and “stupid”. Maybe she was just jealous, but when she called the thrower and/or the throwee greedy and self-absorbed, well, who am I to argue.

Lord help me. Think of me tomorrow as I will be forced to smile, shriek in unison and eat finger sandwiches, all while attempting to not stab myself with a plastic knife.

Next week, could you clear your calendar, it is Yoda’s birthday, we are having a party.

Yoda is registered at PetSmart, Macy’s and Wal-Mart.


sophie said...

I missed out on that shower gene as well. I hat the games and the shrieking and the oohing and ahing.

Mother used to always say she had a later engagement so she could drop off her gift and run away. However, everyone knows I am a hermit so I woulc not get awat with that.

Want me to call you with a crisis?

simplypink said...

I've never heard of a grandmother shower, but that doesn't really mean anything. ;) To attend a shower it had to be the type of person that would totally disown me if I didn't go, and I would actually care. I've not been to a shower in forever, but I remember not really enjoying them when I did. Well, except for the cake. That is the good part. :)

Sauntering Soul said...

At first when you said "showers" I thought you meant the kind you take in the bathroom and I was befuddled.

But then I kept reading. I despise wedding and baby showers. It makes tears come to my eyes when I receive an invitation to one. I felt uncomfortable at my own wedding showers back when I was young and stupid and married that ex of mine.

But a grandmother shower? That would completely piss me off. What type of gift do you give at a grandmother shower? Afghans? Photo albums?

Southern Doll said...

WTF is the purpose of a grandmother's shower?? I do not understand. Please explain, someone!

Best wedding I ever went to: Barbecue and a stripper. Hosted by my mother.

WT said...

You think sitting down to pee is a good thing?? Hmm...

Kaytabug said...

I am not a fan of showers either.
I have NEVER heard of a Grandmother shower....I would give Depends as a gift just to show how idiotic I think a Grandmother shower is!

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