March 29, 2011

Working It Out

Having a kid changes everything. I heard it over and over before I was pregnant. I knew it from watching my sister have 3 kids before me. Yet, nothing will prepare you for parenthood. Nothing can.

At times, I wonder if I have some postpartum depression going on. And then I dismiss it with that I am simply tired from the failure of my now 8 month old child to sleep for more than 3 hours straight. I chalk it up to the vast changes that we have gone through of moving to a new state, leaving our beloved friends/family/city/house for something neither of us really wanted but knew/prayed was best. I went from a high-strung career driven fool to a stay at home mom. He went from an easy job to a demanding job with super stress levels.

Some days – are great. I have a great time, I have it all balanced out. It all seems to work well. I am meeting people in the various groups I have joined, I am cooking and cleaning and loving my girl. I feel that I have it together, that I am enjoying this little life we have created. And other days – not so much. I am angry and spiteful and downright cruel to my husband and short-tempered with my girl. I am stressed and overwhelmed and angry. For no obvious reason.

Working isn't an option for me for some time. As long as we can afford for me to stay home, I cannot in good conscience place my child in daycare. My poor heart couldn't handle that after the PICU stay when she was 4 months old. Yet some days, I think I really need to go to work. For my sanity, for my child and for my husband.

I take it day by day. Hoping that it will be a good day. That I won't get angry and strike out at my husband. That I won't feel like crying when the baby cries. And many days work out. I feel good and accomplished at the end of the day. And others, not so much. And where I used to be able to shake it off and know that tomorrow will be better, now... I just worry that I won't be able to keep it together the next day either.


Kaytabug said...

Been there. Still there. Wish I had some wise words to pass along. I believe that every mother feels this way, few ever admit it! From my experience I can tell you that you are not alone!!! Probably doesn't help with your sleep depravation but there it is.
And we REALLY need to stop these parallel lives! ok this time it's just the hubbys having demanding jobs with SUPER STRESS levels!

I love you. Lean on me...just call me when you need a friend...

Kellie said...

You're singing my song, my friend. Loud and proud.

You commented on my last post. You know I am NOT having a good time lately. It's REALLY hard--whether we're working outside the home or SAHM''s freaking HARD!

My advice? Be sure to get some YOU time. I don't care where you go, what you long as it's time you're not being a wife, Mama, housekeeper, etc. Get out of the house. Get a part-time job during the hours your husband is not working....that small piece of "this is MINE!" is so huge.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Hey, its me Robocop. Long time no see. Took a break from blogging. Congrats on the baby, and God Bless.

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