January 20, 2011

Can We Ever Be Happy?

Warning: This post has negativity towards both SAHM and WOHM. I dog staying at home and I dog daycare. I am trying to find my way, not critiquing what anyone else does or has to do.

I have been here before. It was when I first started this little internet space. I was 4 years younger and for several months enjoyed not working for the man. I tried my hand at Ebay and being a good housewife, cleaning and cooking, and caring for my hard working man. He looks back on that time period as the best in our relationship. I look back and see that I was unhappy and failed at it.

Now, it is different, yet much the same.

He got a new job in a far off land and I have decided to stay home. Again. But this time, we have a baby. A baby who had an ER scare such a short time ago. A baby who I cry about when I consider dropping her off at a daycare facility. Even dropping her in the care facility at the gym while I get my sweat on, I freak out the entire hour.

I can't fail this time. I have to like being at home with her. I have to make this work. Because the alternative will break my heart. While I may be relieved to get back into the workforce and meet people and do something besides babble baby talk and clean my stove, I would be leaving my precious child in the hands of a germy daycare. And after watching her with a tube down her throat, sedated and riding in an ambulance, the thought gives me chills.

The last few weeks in Houston, I knew this was coming. This fear. When people asked me what I would be doing in our new town, I said I wasn't sure. I was sure. I knew I would not go back to work leaving my girl to the wolves. Yet, I am terrified that I will be unhappy, that in a few short months, once the boxes are unpacked and our lives are as organized as they can be, that I will be lonely, sick of cleaning and caring for her and want to get back to a paying job with people that don't shit their pants.

How do I do it? How do I become happy with my new station in life? I thought after 2 kids, I would stay home with them. With the educational system as it is, I have seriously considered homeschooling in the future. Yet, early in to this new role, I have doubts. Will I be able to keep it together? Can I do this happily? Can my obsessive brain handle slowing down and doing what I believe is the right thing.

I don't know how to reconcile these matters. I know what I must do for my family. I have the support of my husband. My baby girl doesn't like being with strangers, as she proved at the gym one night.

This is what is best for my family. Now I have to make it best for me. I am going to get involved with mommy groups. Go to story time at the library. I am going to the gym both for a release and to loose this stubborn baby weight.

I will make this work. But I am scared shitless for the journey.


Kellie said...

Call me stupid but, I didn't see any negativity. I was all prepared for battle lines to be drawn ;)

You're singing my song!! I've been home for almost 5 years. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I want to punch myself in the face. HARD!

I've struggled to find a balance. My problem is I am shy (those that know me LAUGH at this statement!) and don't make friends fast/easily. The first 15 months, it was just my girl and I. Talk about LONELY! Sweet HELL!

I've learned it's what I make of it. I don't spend all my time cleaning or organizing or even playing with my kid(s). I break my cleaning down into a few things each day.

As for my kid(s)...I can't. I can't spend my waking hours (or, rather, her's) playing with. I'm always WITH them. But, my daughter will play on her own. She's independent. It's awesome. The best of both worlds.

Kaytabug said...

You won't like being home with her. You will LOVE it! And there will be days you HATE it and want a JOB yesterday! Those days will pass because you will remember daycare. I think you are on the right track, get involved, stroller fitness groups, library, mommy and me, playgroups, AA-oh wait that's for quitters!
Where was I? You know what you need to do to fill your cup so you can do what you know is right for her and your family! It's ok to be scared. You are not alone. I am here with you. Though you're far away...
Don't you just love it when I break out in song?!
How about our old stand by? Lean on me. When you're not strong. I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on...just call on me sista* when you need a friend...Just call me. Oh baby now call me!!
Love you!

Molly said...

I did not see any negativity either. I stayed home with my children when they were both under six. These were great times for me. You have figured out what will work for your family, and that is good. My son is a SAHD. He and our DIL wanted to have one of the children's parents with the kids. Our DIL made more money, and she likes her job.

Brianna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fianna said...

Thanks ya'll! We are at about the 3 month mark and I feel I am doing pretty good with it. I have joined lots of groups, I don't have time to even go to the library storytime as my "social calendar" (Dork!) is full. I hope in these groups I make good friends or otherwise make it work out.

I still get frustrated. My husband is very busy with work and some grad classes so when he gets home, he is tired and doesn't want to help out. I get angry of course because when is my break? It is hard to figure out a balance and redefine the roles we have had set for so long.

I know I am doing the right thing and for 80% of the time, I am happy with it. The other 20% is pretty low. Yet the reward is so big despite that low time.

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