Great Expectations

On Wednesday, we had 2 baby appointments. First, my regular appointment with my midwife and then our 20 week ultrasound – the big one!

My midwife put it so well, when pregnant, some women bloom. Others, they wilt. I am definitely a wilt-er. Back pain, difficulty sleeping, heartburn, exhaustion and hormones that would kill a 15 year old girl. I have not been pleasant to be around for the past few months nor have I enjoyed the past few months. At times, the thought of going through this again makes me want to cry. I do not want our child to be an only child, but man, this pregnancy stuff is not for the weak.

(Imagine there is a segue here.)

Since the beginning of time, I have seen myself as a tomboy. Growing up, there were dolls around, but I remember much more playing and getting dirty and just not girly-girl stuff. There were 4 of us girls, best friends for so so long. Kaytabug can correct me if I am glamorizing it, but we were not typical girls. We were much more rough and tumble than other adolescent girls. Strange since 2 of us had only sisters and 2 were only children.

To find out that I am going to be a mom to a girl was a complete and utter shock. I don't even know where to begin. I suck at applying makeup, I only get my haircut every 6 months, on the weekends, I am well known to not shower, I can't properly coordinate my clothing, I stumble in heels, I hate the Girls Next Door and have no idea if I should be on Team Edward or Team whoever the other vampire dude is. How do I do this? I am not a fine example of a woman yet I am supposed to raise this child to be one?

We both were 100% convinced that we would have a boy. Never so firmly has an idea been planted or desired. While each of us, I am sure, have different reasons for our desired sex, to have that replaced with the opposite has left both of us shaken, unsure of what to think and how we will handle what we are being blessed with.

It is funny how I have reacted in the days since we received the news. I have been shocked, saddened, disappointed. Tears of both sadness and extreme guilt have been shed. Yet the mama bear has come out in full force, I am so very angry if anyone says anything that implies that we should not be 100% thrilled with a girl. While my own disappointment is present, no one can speak ill of my baby girl.

I am saddened by what I consider to be a loss of a son for now. Yet I feel this sweet baby kicking me and my heart is so full of love for her. I have no idea how this will play out going forward. My baby doll is going to have to figure out for herself what shoes look best with that outfit, and how to curl her hair and apply makeup. I will be able to teach her about football and music and maybe even how to shoot a gun. The rest, we will have to wing.