Entitled.

I have 5 weeks left of this pregnancy business. I don't care for pregnancy, have I mentioned that before? But the weird thing, the further along I get, the bigger I get, the more swollen I get, the more comfortable I am. The early months of back ache, heartburn and emotions have disappeared a bit. I am much more comfortable all around. I am sleeping better, have more energy. Which is really odd since I am about the size of a double wide.

I am terrified of actually having my kid. Not of labor, the miserable pain, but of having a kid to care for. Surrendering myself for what the kid wants - demands. Getting up every 2 hours to feed this screaming shitting machine that can't explain why it isn't happy. Not being able to just take off at a moment's notice. Not being able to poop alone. Wait. I have pets, I haven't done that for years.

Beyond the extra expense that a child brings. Holy cow! Daycare! I am too lazy to get off my butt and actually hunt down someone to take care of my kid so far. But from the stories I have heard from folks in this area, daycare is gonna run us between $800-$1,200 per month. Yea.

Another big cost I am fearful about is the new things I have pursued since becoming a living breathing house.

Pedicures and maid service.

Dude.

I am so glad I haven't partaken of these magical things before. I have saved myself a fortune.

I am in love.

I need a live-in pedicuring, housecleaning ass wiper now.

Because I really don't know if I can give up these wonderful treatments after the babe is here.

Pedicures. So nice. A bit of time to just relax and let someone else do the dirty work of making my toes look sweet and tasty.

Housecleaning? Wow, what is there to even say. Someone else comes in and scrubs my toilet for me. Scrubs down my glass shower and garden tub? Dusts the baseboards? Holy crap. I love having a wife of my very own!!

But. For a maid to come once a month and for a monthly pedicure, I am looking at just over $100. Ouch. That ain't cheap. And I am not sure I can justify those expenditures once I am able to bend over and paint my own toes and scrub my own toilet again.

And that, that right there makes me cross my legs even tighter and want to keep this baby cooking for a few more years.

Stolen Lines #2 – Moving Back to a Ghost-Filled Neighborhood

"Ghosts definitely live here," I say.

I remember to the right is where my friend used to live. I would pick her up and we would go to the bar right there. Walking around looking to meet some guys.

That bar. Packed full of ghosts. Overflowing with them. Ghosts of a past where I was much more reckless, barely recognizable to this person I am now. Many, many, many nights spent drinking there, with friends who have since moved far away, and have stayed close, who have gotten married, had kids, stayed single, and those that still go to the bar, like no time has passed at all. Good memories, bad memories. Ghosts I welcome in my thoughts, ghosts I try very hard to forget.

Memories of the neighborhood party house remembered as I drive by, on my way to the grocery store, or Wal-Mart. Memories of a past life, with past friends collide with the mundane errands of this life.

Another house off another street. Where my ex used to live in this past life. His parents’ house? Just turn right there.

My parents lived down that road to your left. I never visited them, even though I lived just 20 minutes away. Regrets remembered as they now live 5 hours away.

The boarded-up grocery store where old ghosts/friends and I once attempted to buy beer at 10:00 A.M. Refused, we walked back to that ghost filled house down the street where I used to live.

I run into ghosts, while shopping, at fast food restaurants, at the library. Every where I turn, I fear running into someone from my past. Running into someone who remembers that all these ghosts exist, while I think of the ghost that they are.

In my present life, where the ghosts don’t exist, where they are shuffled back, away, in the deep recesses of a sometimes regret-filled, sometimes happy memory, I forgot all these ghosts existed. It was not until we bought the house, moved in, got comfortable, did the ghosts reappear. They hid out, never surfacing before the decision was made. Now, they are everywhere I go. Inescapable. Omnipresent.

I spent years away from this part of town, from this city even. Making new memories and meeting new people, who are now ghosts that exist in different spots and different states. Moving back to this area, has resurrected hundreds of ghosts, in every corner. I can’t hide from them.

Ghosts definitely live here, but now, so do I. I must make peace with the ghosts. Good and bad ghosts. They are in the past, but they are also a big part of me.

This is a part of Grace's experiment. I stole the first line of this post from You'll Never Eat Lunch in This town Again, by Julia Phillips.

2008 - Summed Up

I wrote this days ago. And then the topic of my next post occurred and I was without internet. I will have the next post up tomorrow or 3 weeks from now if the internet fails me again. So yea, the post was timely, posting was not. It ain’t my fault.


1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Got engaged, bought a house. These will be recurring themes on this list. Sorry, 10 months of the year were kinda slow.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I have no idea. If I made any resolutions it has been 365 days since I made them. I don’t know what I did yesterday so, maybe we should be moving on.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister being at the top of the list. No, wait. The kid is a year and a half, which would make it impossible for my sister to have spawned in 2008. So scratch that. Unless she had a child that she hid from us. So in that case, yea.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My BFF’s father. In a horrible awful accident that brings tears to my eyes as I type this. That really, really sucked. Her family is doing remarkably well given the craptastic hand 2008 dealt.

5. What countries did you visit?

Jamaica. Loved it. Definitely would return.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Size 8 jeans on my ass.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 16 – the date that I got Not Craig a job in Houston. Just 3 months after I made the scary decision to go back to Houston without him, thinking it would be at least July before his coming to Houston was even a possibility.

Early September - The entire week of Jamaica. Which now upon doing a review of my blog, I find that I didn’t discuss the actual trip much, except the huge bruise I received. Given all the hurricane related posts around that time period, I completely forgot. I blame Ike. Which I guess means those damn hurricanes may be etched into my memory.

November 23 – I got engaged to my best friend.

December 8 – We closed on our first house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Convincing this awesome guy that I was so cool that he should spend the rest of his life with me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being nice to Not Craig every day.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Back issues related to my driving like a dumbass.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The house. I may say the puppy in a couple months. But he peed on my carpet last night, so he is not at the top of the list.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not Craig’s. He put up with me and still wanted to marry me. I am pretty sure he is taking drugs.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My own a fair amount of the time.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Have you ever put a down payment on a house?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Have you seen the days etched in my memory up there. I think all of those are extreme excitement worthy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

In Your Eyes. Not Craig was super cool and played that when he asked if I would be his forever.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? .Lots happier
b) thinner or fatter? Lots fatter
c) richer or poorer? Lots poorer, but working on building that nest egg back up.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Slept. This has been one helluva exhausting ride.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Ate. Complained. Paid attention to the Britney Spears saga.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Already done. I put together a million piece playset. It was an extremely bad idea.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Every day.

22. How many one-night stands?

365.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

I would prefer to say Heroes. But somehow I always missed it. The only shows I really saw were The Dog Whisperer and House Hunters.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Election years are a bit tumultuous. And then this whole economic BS. Hate is a strong word….

25. What was the best book you read?

I did a very poor job on completing my reading list this year. Oops.


26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

IDK. My BFF Rose?

27. What did you want and get?

Love and happiness.

28. What did you want and not get?

Is it wrong of me to not have anything to say to this. I think I got darned near every single thing a girl could want.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I know I saw lots of movies…but I have no idea what they were. I couldn’t tell you what the movie was about on the drive home from the theater immediately after watching it. I do however now the phone numbers of all my friends growing up 20 years ago. My brain works in mysterious ways.

30. What did you do on your birthday?

Looking back, it appears that I freaked out about a hurricane hitting Jamaica. Amazingly, all that worrying didn’t move the damned hurricane. I believe there is a lesson there.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Space travel. Or a caramel apple.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

LMAO! ROFLMAO. Thrift store chic? 1996 coolness. I have never been stylish. Ever. Nope. Not me.

33. What kept you sane?

Not Craig.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Blech. None.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Election year. What a stupid question.

36. Who did you miss?

Family. My BFF’s Dad. Most recently, Cass.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Yikes. I am such a hermit. This is bad. I am going to have to say that stupid dog that is whining in the background. Because I haven’t met anyone new. I must get out more.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Nothing in life is more important than spending time with those you love. Even if that time is at Wal-Mart.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump.

Am Too Busy To Title This Post.

Looking back at the last month is a bit overwhelming.

I haven't been around much because my job - they are making me work really hard for the money. Really hard.

Buying a new house? Um, time-consuming. Getting ready each morning is much more difficult when you have to wiggle along the floor past the windows, naked, because you haven't put up curtains yet. Also, losing the keys for 3 weeks is a bad idea.

New homes? Don't have innernet access. You have to have a huge tunnel for cabling dug in your backyard. And then they don't bury it.

And you live in fear that the new dog that you just got, is going to eat the cable. But you can't decide which is worse - the potential for electrocution of the dog or the loss of internets once the dog gets electrocuted.



Sorry the pic kinda sucks. I can't find my camera, so this is a phone pic. And he doesn't stop moving ever. He is an 8 week old border collie. Please name him. We suck at naming animals - our 1 1/2 year old cat is officially named Kitten. So please help this poor dog.

Don't even get me started on Christmas. My sister - employs slave labor and pays in tamales and Monster energy drinks.

I spent my Christmas vacation putting this together.




It took 4 people 2 days to put it together. 2 entire days. From 7 AM until dark.

My kids - never getting a play set. They have their aunt to blame.

So, in review:

2007 - This Year Can Totally Suck it.

2008 - The Best Year Ever.

2009 - On Track to Be The Best Year Ever.

Spewing Forth The Words

I am an extremely polite person. My mother is a quiet, calm, introverted woman who rarely makes any manner missteps. She taught me by example to be a quiet, polite, respectful person.

One thing she was never able to pass on to me is to keep my mouth shut. If she has something to say, she won’t say it. It drives me crazy to this day that she would never express an opinion about some of the wayward things I did when I was younger. After I broke off my previous long-term relationships with jerky, lazy, good for nothing no-gooders, she expressed relief and said that she was concerned about the relationship, that she didn’t agree with it. I always wanted to scream at her, “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING!” Words from my mom may have made me come to my senses before I spent 5 years with each of those losers.

But never….she always kept it in. Waited until I realized, on my own, what a bad decision I had made, before she said a word.

The extreme politeness.

I have none of that. If I feel something, if I am mad, if I think the movie sucked, if I think your boyfriend is a jerk, I will try to keep my mouth shut, because as my momma taught me, it is polite to shut the fuck up, however, I promise you that my feelings are going to come out at some time. I can’t help myself. The words sit at the back of my throat gagging me until I have to either get them out or suffocate.

This is why I haven’t been around here. I had words that have been smothering me. Words that I wanted to say so badly yet I couldn’t do it yet.

Another way I am completely different from my mom is that I am not very good at keeping my business a secret. Not in the Britney Spears way of exposing her business, but in the, I am an open book and will tell some stranger at the grocery store my life story way.

And excitement. I have rarely seen my mom truly excited. She has such a calm nature whereas I am, well, spastic at times. I am not easily contained.

My feelings, my excitement, my words spew out of me, out of control.

So when, several weeks ago, Not Craig and I did something wild and crazy and utterly awesome, I didn’t tell many people.

Oh I told some, he told some. We couldn’t keep ourselves contained that well. However, pending actual definite approval, we kept it a bit under wraps. I haven’t told anyone except the absolute required people I work with and I didn’t write a word on here, because I knew I couldn’t write about anything else so I stayed away.

In fact, now that I am getting closer to leaking it to you guys, I am not sure if I want to spill it just yet.

Nothing is final yet, what if it all falls through.

And for some, others who have already walked in these shoes, it is not a big deal. To Not Craig and I, though, it is huge. We have been wanting to do this for some time and hadn’t thought it possible just yet. Thought that although we had been doing things responsibly for some time, that we just weren’t quite in the right position yet, apparently however, some fool disagreed and totally qualified us to buy our very first home.

A gorgeous home.

A home that I am so in love with.

In a place that I am so in love with.

With a man that I am so in love with.

So Yea us. And Yea me for keeping my flapping gums shut for a whole three weeks.

We were just approved for the mortgage, a daunting thing given the current climate. I guess I should thank Barney Frank and his stupid cronies for making it possible that banks are continuing to lend. Thanks Paulson. Thanks RINO’s. I appreciate you giving Not Craig and I the same opportunities millions of other people get. The opportunity to foreclose on our very first home. Thank you. Now I am going to go tell every single soul I run into.